Discover Your Fortune!

Aries - Your A/C has been going on and off, on and off, over and over again, not because it's saving energy, but because it loathes you. 

Taurus - You finally accomplished everything on your bucket list--impressive--although now you’ve got about 40 years to kill.

Gemini - It's not that people don't care about aliens holding us all hostage; they just don't care that it happened to you.  

Cancer - The neighbors weren't very keen about your house burning down, but only because they missed out on the blunt that did it.

Leo - You’re feeling the pain at the pump because you put it in your ear, stupid.

Virgo - The weirdest thing about having to clean up all that dog hair in the bathtub, is that you don't own a dog--much less, a bathtub.

Libra - The doctor isn't buying your whole sudden-weight-gain theory, because he can see the pumpkin stuck up your shirt. 

Scorpio - After your decades of service, it would've been nice to get more than a bag of Skittles, but hey, it did really hit the spot. 

Sagittarius - As you drive into town, you'll realize, you've been here before. And judging from the road signs, they haven't forgotten. 

Capricorn - The strategy is simple. Keep changing your legal name, so you can keep getting those first-time visitor specials. 

Aquarius - Today, velcro will save your life. But don't ask the stars how; it's pretty gross. 

Pisces - This week you will learn a valuable lesson: when you shit your pants in VR, you shit your pants in real life.