Discover Your Fortune!

Aries - Building a research lab in your house was really cool, but hate to break it to you, they've already invented the thermos. 

Taurus - It's gettin' so crazy 'round here, they could really use a muscular, tough guy like not you.

Gemini - The dizziness and butterflies in your stomach aren’t signs of revived libido, but rather, an undigestible chimichanga.  

Cancer - Your mom was thrilled to hear from you on Mother's Day until you let her know it was your one phone call and you needed bail.

Leo - Can you believe it? Today’s Wordle is Shut the F up about F’ing Wordle.

Virgo - You may be living in a box, but at least you don't have to deal with that whole "trademark infringement" thing anymore.

Libra - You don't mind being the textbook definition of "Lazy" because at least it means you've accomplished something. 

Scorpio - You'll realize, after smooshing crud on your friend's face, that you really don't know how to talk to people anymore. 

Sagittarius - Your texts already sound stupid enough, but signing them with your name is a really nice touch. 

Capricorn - If you're trying to weird out everybody by loudly sucking your thumb, it's working like a charm. 

Aquarius - Fiji might not be the place for you. But it will be the place that you wake up. 

Pisces - After witnessing two people shit themselves mid-conversation, you can finally admit, marathons ain’t your sport.