Discover Your Fortune!

Aries - Things haven’t changed much since popcorn destroyed the town, but hey, the stars just report the news.  

Taurus - It’s the time of year to crawl back to the slots and win back your house by betting all the money you made selling your car.

Gemini - The gasps may get into your head. But remember, you need them recorded if you're going to sue your plastic surgeon.  

Cancer - Your Galactic Future Foundation seems a little disingenuous given your degree in Cultural Anthropology.

Leo - You made right on your promise to rock the boat, but now there’s gravy everywhere.

Virgo - You’ve been saying yes to a lot of stuff recently, but the orgy in the musty sarcophagus definitely crossed the line.

Libra - No one would blame you for completely checkin’ out on a Friday afternoon. But it's Tuesday. At 10am in the morning. 

Scorpio - It wasn’t so much the heartbreak that made you cry, but the slap in the face, two cans of pepper spray, and swift kick to the groin. 

Sagittarius - It’s all unfurling as the gypsy said: the popcorn, the BMW, and now, jail. 

Capricorn - While it was great to re-connect with the ol’ gang, it did make the colonoscopy pretty awkward. 

Aquarius - It’s pretty fair to say the date was over the minute she saw your Hammer Pants. 

Pisces - There are a lot worse things than losing a finger. Like losing a whole arm. Look, I’m just trying to put stuff in perspective. We’re almost to the hospital.