Discover Your Fortune!

Aries - You'd be mostly OK with having to return to work if it wasn't for that morning poop. 

Taurus - Your gym will totally understand you canceling the membership, seeing as they’ve seen you a total of no times.

Gemini - You were hoping the technician would be able to fix your blue tooth, but apparently you actually need an oral surgeon.  

Cancer - As you blow your candles out, you'll pose for a selfie with your only remaining post-pandemic pals: your bong, dab rig, and Sherlock.

Leo - You were all excited about your new semi truck until you realized, woah, it takes a special license to drive these things! 

Virgo - Off in the distance, thunder. You’re sitting alone, in the dark, across from a Snickers bar. And things are about to get real bad for the Snickers. 

Libra - You'll know you're getting old when your freaky sneeze makes the children cry.    

Scorpio - The cicadas' death will bring upon a glorious autumn silence until your neighbor loses his mind and gets out the theremin. 

Sagittarius - At first you'll feel guilt for accidentally running the creature over, until you realize, it's that bastard faun who betrayed your family. 

Capricorn - You thought it’d be easy to coordinate activities for the seniors, but they’re growing real bored of Rock Paper Scissors. 

Aquarius - Although amazed by your sudden engineering, your spouse won’t take kindly to having their CPAP machine into an eBong. 

Pisces - The munchkins’ chant from your dream, “Giblets, Goblets and Goo!” will haunt you as you ride into town, terrified of what awaits you next.