Cure for Severe Munchies Reaches Clinical Trial Phase
For years, Sam Wulff would come home after work, roast a heaping indica, then fire up the oven for pizza after frozen pizza, all eaten to himself, until passing out each night in a daze. On off-nights he would frequent each fast food restaurant within a mile radius, returning home with no less than ten value meals to churn through while watching Frasier.
Sam is not alone. Like many cannabis lovers, he faces the unspoken ailment that can strike any time: the grips of Terrible, Uncontrollable Munchies (TUM).
Today, there’s hope on the horizon. Clinical trials begin this week for a new type of pharmaceutical--Donchafeastitol-- that combats TUM, to be rolled out to the small percentage of Cannatown’s worst-hit.
Munchies are, of course, the inability of the high brain to perceive that the body, is not indeed, starving to death. It can cause anything from the basic animalistic grazing to sustain, to an alarming binge. An average stoner can somehow eat about twice their weight in Cheetos or White Castle, and although most don’t, a recent survey of stoned people showed that 65% are currently hungry.
The new supplement, when taken daily, aims to decrease the amount whorfed-up post-smake by 25-50%. Researcher Wanda Dabright says the drug has demonstrated surprisingly good results in lab tests so far. Rats ate less cheese, monkeys, less bananas, and a group of Baby Boomers at a Grateful Dead show actually turned down a second order of funnel cakes.
“The scientific process involving neuro-receptors is hard to explain in layman’s terms, but you could say this pill tells your stomach that you’re actually not high, and that the only available nearby foods are kimchi and radishes.” Dabright said.
Donchafeastitol is not perfect, and in some cases has caused unwanted side effects, such as ravenously-increased munchies for people who like to eat kimchi or radishes. Earlier trial versions also reportedly caused patients to consume sand and other undesirable substances. "We’ve fixed some of those issues," Dabright says. "But it's been hard to hone in completely, and there's always the risk that you'll still find yourself chewing on things like twigs or pork rinds.”
"The point is, you’ll eat less twigs and pork rinds." Dabright adds.
If the trials go well, there is a possibility that it would be rolled out to the public as early as next April 20th, when munchies overdoses are rampant and Little Debbie shortages send shockwaves through the local food supply. “People always eat the most over the holidays. But there are some of us who can’t help but feast until we are lying face-down in a bowl of jello. And those are the people who need this trial to work,” says Sam, hopeful that he, too, will be able to someday turn down funnel cakes.
The pending patent is owned by Boinc! Pills & Stuff, makers of the commonly used emergency high-canntraceptive sold as Buzkil.