Following a terrible incident at the Cannatown swimming hole, involving what could only be described as “a massive amount of fecal matter,” elephants and their closest genetic relatives will not be allowed to use the beach and swimming area going forward.

According to those on the scene, a group swimmers encountered a “gross spectacle” in the mid-afternoon, partially washed ashore, partially still submerged, and unidentifiable through the murky waters. By the end of the day, the explosively large fecal emission had affected not only adults, but completely covered some children, to an alarming degree.

And it’s not the first time it’s happened. In fact, the swimming hole is world-renowned, tragically, for its widespread, recurring and devastating elephant doodies in the water. “I’m not sure why in nearly a half century we’ve been unable to come up with sensible elephant swimming hole rules,” said resident Reto O’Bork. “It’s incredibly difficult to feel safe and clean when people just let elephants do whatever they want, especially in what should be considered a safe, public space.”

“C’mon, we live in a society here,” O’Bork added.

Every time elephant swimming laws have come up, groups of menacing elephants have shown up and intimidated those voting. In one court case they were also able to overturn the voting results simply by crowding a forum and blasting their trunks at full volume. The incident became national news, simply because those present stood strong and chose not to address the elephants in the room. “And the elephants apparently took it very personally and have been shitting in the water ever since,” said city park manager Cheri Poss. "This shouldn't happen every weekend." 

"Obviously not all elephants are bad, nor do we want all of them to go away," said Reverend John Worlock. "But can we not all agree that they shouldn't be shitting on everyone in public? If they can't be trusted to follow the rules that everyone else follows, then why would they expect us to let them hang out with us anyway? Is it not madness? It's poo!"

The ban goes into effect immediately but nobody expects even one elephant to comply.