News in Brief: Polls now show Newts and Emus in dead tie

Dispatches from the Highlands

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Polls now show Newts and Emus in dead tie 
This week the tides turned and it appears Newts are back in the running, after a topsy-turvy shift in public opinion that landed Emus on top. The large, flightless birds are now fighting to regain a majority, as the electorate prepares to vote by blowing bubbles. 

Amusement Park Bans Smaking on Rides
Following a rash of "weird outbursts" from “certain parties,” Cannobie Park in Cannatown announced that it will ban smaking on roller coasters for the remainder of the year. Members of the board say they are considering making the ban permanent, despite a potential dip in ticket sales. The public rection was mixed. “It hadn't occurred to me really,” commented park-goer Randy Brown. “In fact, it seems like a really impractical place to try and smake.” Earlier this year, the park also moved to ban hookahs on the Tilt-A-Whirl after someone got whipped in the face.

Squinty McGee out at a.m. show The Vyue
Squinty McGee, long-time shadowy icon in Cannatown's Green-light District, and all-around funky game-show host known for his catchphrase, "Stop rolling, stop the cameras," is out at his morning gig The Vyue, as the sometimes-crazy weirdo who always brings a wild card to the table. McGee, who until recently had a beloved following of fans who would show up to tapings in similar plaid polyester wardrobe, had been stretching the limits of what fellow panel members would tolerate, at some point recently subjecting each to the famous Tibetan 'Bardo" soup, prepared with the stench of flatulence from domestic Yaks, causing a rare TV moment that saw host Sally Pointfinger vomit in disgust and chew him out in front of a live audience. In another recent episode, McGee distributed hair products that made each of the host's hair fall out. The very next day, bats and crowbars came out, and the audience witnessed "a bloody reckoning that was thankfully shut down before life-threatening injuries occured." In a public statement, McGee announced a brief hiatus from the show in which he would "take some time and figure out the best way to create a stink bomb stink that my fellow hosts can never ever wash out of their clothing." Executives then approved a shark tank installment with real sharks in the studio, and together everyone held hands and jumped the shark at once.

TEAMS BOYCOTT ANNUAL CPR TOURNAMENT
The circuit of medical hobbyists has been abuzz as two teams have dropped out from the annual CPR tournament, a regular sports event that attracts competitors of all sorts from around the globe, from babysitters to emergency medical staff.  The Richie Riches and Snobby Snobs, both champion teams and contenders for this year's Cup, say they just aren't prepared given the rampant spread of Covid, even despite league attempts to isolate competitors in a giant bubble and test them daily.
  "Getting a rod down the nose was bad enough, but we're also required to wash down in bleach, and drink hydroxychloroquine shakes, and get daily full-blood transfusions,"  Snobs captain chest compressor told the Twitsphere. "All to keep kissing the same dummies as thousands of other people from around the world." 
   He added, "I haven't seen my family in weeks. If someone reads this, can you check on my cat, Professor Squish?" 
  The two teams plan to exit the giant duct-taped tarp-bubble in downtown Cannatown, where other teams still remain in a "miniature city" rumored to be full of "too many dummies." "Ultimately you just can't be too safe at these events," said Riches Coach Dick Jerk. "Just ask my wife how I got syphilis."

 

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