Officials Consider Joint Ban After Some Found To Contain Catnip

Dispatches from the Highlands

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Cannatown authorities are debating if citizen smakers should cease sparking all joints, now that a scant few have been found to contain catnip. A statement issued Tuesday from Mayor VanCannaby's office outlines the city’s probe into the fake joints, which investigators believe may be simply acquired at back-alley, suburban pet stores.

One brand in particular has been at the forefront of the phony phillies. City officials warn that Meowijuana is peddled on the shelves of local shops, next to fuzzy mice and scratching posts, for “Cats who need the weed.” But the packaging is geared towards actual felines, and not “cool cats” who dig poetry slams and taquitos. 

While they won’t get you high, these joints are well-rolled, just like your friend Jerry packs ‘em. However, under close inspection, there are subtle differences that can help identify if you're smaking catnip, such as swarming feral cats, and immediate, violent nausea. "These little buggers will make you cry-puke for hours," said local Spliffologist, Roald Dutchie, "but not in the positive, ‘huge bong hit’ sort of way."

"I repeat, these joints will not get you high."

Meowijuana packaging does adamantly recommend against human consumption, but once opened, the catnip joints can be easily jumbled in with other pre-rolls in a stash. "Other than not reeking like dank bud, there’s almost no way to tell they're fake until your buzz is long-dead," Dutchie notes, adding that they technically shouldn’t be smaked by cats either.

Of course, in Cannatown, no man, woman, dog, or cat likewise would ever mistake the two, as residents go through four semesters of Smakeables Identification Training and have access to the most potent and inspected Grade A nuggersh in the world. Accordingly, reported incidents have occurred mostly outside city limits. Still, the crisis has everyone wondering “Who is the Walter White of catnip joints?”

If not contained soon, the confusion could swiftly escalate into a media-fueled public freakout and zero-tolerance crackdown. Officials wonder if any measure other than a complete ban can stop the pandemic, which has affected approximately .001% of joint smakers. The only sure-fire preventative measure appears to be not buying and consuming black market smakeables, or at least ones that clearly state they are for cats.

 

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