Van Cannaby Announces Canndidacy

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Dispatches from the Highlands

Marijuana news from contributing authors and staff writers on the latest in marijuana and medical marijuana

October 22, 2016
Denver, CO

Enters Race for President of United States of CannAmerica

   Mayor of CannaTown, J. Van Cannaby IV, has entered the cannpaign for Presidency, just under a year before the national vote. He formally made the announcement to a crowd of supporters in the town square Monday morning, and launched a national whistle-stop tour by railroad.
   “We’ve had ups and downs these past few decades, but now is the time for the renowned prosperity of CannaTown to spread to the rest of the country,” he said in his address.
   “If anyone can fix the current Canngressional gridlock of the last few years, it’s a man who understands both sides.” Although he has been known to pass to the left, the Mayor acknowledged that he would run as a canndependent.
   Excitement percolated through CannaTown as the Mayor’s words were echoed by Town Crier Birch Abercorn, whose cries of “Oyez” were the loudest since he took over the post last spring.
   “Something about the Mayor has always struck a chord with the general population, from young to old, even in circles of friends,” said political strategist Murietta Starks. “Although he’s always been Mayor, like his father and grandfather, he’s not your typical politician.”
   Van Cannaby made sure to  dispel rumors from the past. “I want to be clear about my coming of age years,” he explained. “I did smake a bowl of brickweed, but I never inhaled.” And on stories of unmentionable behavior with an intern: “First, she was my wife, and second, I would still never waste a blunt in such an obscene manner.”
   “Every day I’m free to venture into the highlands as I please,” he concluded, as an eagle soared overhead. “That freedom should be free to everyone.”

Van Cannaby on the Issues - Where does the Canndidate Stand?

The Price of Oil
Hash oil prices have plummeted, some say due to weak production. While the savings have helped cannsumers, they’ve also cost jobs. Van Cannaby vows to purge speculators from the process, as well as smugglers. “This affects us all. I get up every morning looking for my own rig just like the next guy.” He also vows to invest in green technologies, especially given the glut of big rigs on the high-way.

National Reefense
Unlike his challenger Darnell Chump, the Mayor does not believe in building walls or databases. “I believe in a strict peace through cannabis solution - drop bongs, not bombs,” he said, noting “The first step to peace, is that we all come to the table completely ripped.”
  “Smake softly, but carry a big bag of cannabis,” he added.

Ganj Control
Always a touchy subject during any election, Van Cannaby describes his approach as “practical.” He supports the current atmosphere of every plant registered, in order to keep crazies from growing moldy or pesticide-laden plants. But nothing about such tracking must affect a citizen’s right to use said plants. “Bad gardening can hurt a lot of people. With the power to grow should come a grave responsibility.”

Minimum Weights
The size of satchels have barely increased in the last 20 years for the average citizen, but exploded for the top-smaking percentile. “We can’t simultaneously raise the minimum satchel size without lowering the maximum,” Van Cannaby explained. “Otherwise our entire gardens will end up managed by robots.”

Migrant Seeds
Migrant seeds have already been planted nearby. The Mayor says that while they can appear to affect traditional phenotype stability and soil pH, they have helped create hybrids that enrich the quality and broad selection for all flower. Successive generations born domestically will establish new traditions. “They’ll begin to assimilate, to fit in with the rest of the garden,” he argued. “Don’t blame the grow, blame the grower. Not every one is a bad seed.”

Regulating Wax Street
It has been nearly eight years now since a bailout saved the ecannomy, but did nothing to break up buds that were “Too big to smake.” Van Cannaby has vowed to investigate and purify the entire system, starting by curing and purging Wax Street of such demons. “My own family members have lost a great deal of Vape Pension since the crash,” he has written. “This will not stand.”

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