Aries - It's kind of sad that you're going to lose your date by rolling the worst, snottiest, most slobbery joint in world history. 

Taurus - It's been a grueling 24 hours but you finally found a lid to fit the damn tupperware.

Gemini - You’re wondering if you should say anything about the nurse accidentally giving you the vaccine vial marked “pancakes.” 

Cancer - You know, there are other uses for a garden hose, such as, not trying to tow an RV. 

Leo - Now that you’re a coin millionaire, you can invest in all your other random bad ideas like penguin-shaped foot-powered buses. 

Virgo - You never loved chocolate mixed with peanut butter, making it particularly significant in the coroner's report. 

Libra - You don't have to eat any more casserole. The stars are just happy you tried a bite.  

Scorpio - Julie Andrews’ attacks on your character will come swiftly and suddenly, but what will hurt the most, is that she’s right. 

Sagittarius - Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy clothing, which your relatives have asked you start wearing again, you know... 

Capricorn - To follow the path, look to the master, follow the master, walk with the master, and then, like, match bowls.

Aquarius - You’ve never staked a claim of sorts, but at least now you can say you’ve steaked a clam. 

Pisces - You will feel a lump under the very ground you stand on; removing the rug will reveal a key; this is the key to the front door; please don’t lose it.